Rules of the Cat

Bathrooms: Always accompany guests and family to the bathroom. You do not need to do anything. Just sit and stare. You know, like you are watching TV.

Doors: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws and make it bang with loud resonating noise around the house.  If you are allowed outside, and you have demanded that the door be opened, stand halfway in and out and think about things.  This is very important when the weather is cold, raining, snowing or mosquito season.

Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping” otherwise know as “hampering”

Following are the rules for hampering:

  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and cuddled. 

  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book unless you can lie across the book itself. See photo to see how this is done.

  3. When human is working on computer, so can you. Walk across the keyboard, play with the mouse (not to be eaten gives horrible tummy ache) then lay in human’s lap across arms, to assist in the typing.

  4. When making beds – run all around under the clean sheets. Lay as flat as you can whilst the sheets is tucked in. Slide out under the corner, jump up again and repeat with second sheet and doona etc. This is hard work but you will enjoy it.

  5. When sweeping – you can also bat the broom, put it into a wrestle hold and be swept along the floor as well. Or best of all – the human picks you up and you get yet another cuddle.

  6. When doing the ironing. Sleep on the ironing board, or if this is not possible it is really comfortable on top of the ironing pile.

Walking: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have their arms full or it is in the dark or when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Or get close to the back or front but be aware you might get rolled on in the middle of the night and the human gets a fright that you might have hurt yourself. Its also a good idea to have read the book ‘Kama Sutra for Cats’

Litter Box: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of gritty kitty litter between their toes.

Hiding: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three or four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

On this matter – always be on the alert when the human decides to take you to the vet. Make sure you know exactly what time this event will happen, so you can do the hiding trick. If the human finds you – run from room to room going under beds and into the most inaccessible places you can find. If you are caught – give up.

One last thought:  Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often and don’t forget the guests.